Being a youth leader is a lot harder than people think – planning games and giving messages is the easy part. It’s hard because it requires an incredible amount of discernment and wisdom. Playing Monopoly with teens at Tacoma Rescue Mission’s after-school program sounds like a pretty easy, peaceful activity…and it should be.  But believe me, it’s not! Leading straightforward activities like this feels more like being a Sheriff in the Wild, Wild West than being a Site Leader at a youth program. 

Like a sheriff, I have to think about the “whole town” (in this analogy, the group of youth). On one hand, my job is to maintain order, lay out clear rules and boundaries, and make sure that they’re being enforced.  My job is to make sure that our after-school program is a safe and welcoming environment for everyone, and that everyone feels like this is a place where they belong and can participate. But on the other hand, I have to realize that I’m working with kids who have experienced varying levels of trauma, and that this trauma has forged behaviors that are sometimes unpredictable and volatile. My job is to maintain order by enforcing the rules, and at the same time, my job is to be empathetic of our youth and understand “the why” behind their behaviors. Oftentimes when a kid is becoming escalated, my job is to discern what’s really going on, and instead of coming down heavy-handed on the kid with a strong consequence, I need to de-escalate the kid with kindness and make adjustments to the environment. 

Last week we were playing Monopoly at the Adams Family Campus, which is our transitional homeless shelter for families. You don’t get much more competitive than me, so I decided it would be best for me to sit this one out and watch instead. We had one kid who was hyper-competitive and very well-versed in the game of Monopoly, a second kid who was competitive, but hadn’t played in several years, a third kid who was extremely shy and intimidated by the first kid, and we had an adult volunteer who was the fourth player. 

What should have been a straightforward board game became a psychological balancing act, filled with outbursts, accusations, and throwing money. It takes a lot skill and grace to keep the second and third players feeling safe and respected as the first player tried to dominate and even bully them, while at the same letting the hyper-competitive first player enjoy the game and de-escalate him when he kept getting triggered. The truth is that for kids who have experienced a lot of trauma, these outbursts and negative behaviors about Monopoly…are not about Monopoly at all. Our job is to meet them where they’re at – through the good and the bad – and let them know that they are still cared for. 

It’s always fun to win – especially at Monopoly.  But I’m learning that being a good leader sometimes means being willing to lose at certain things, in this case the rigidity of the rules and what I’d envisioned for the time, in order to have more long-term wins, like everyone feeling like they belong.